The Rear View

November 28, 2017 1:24 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

I spent Thanksgiving alone. I wasn’t meant to, but an early morning text from my Aunt Nancy indicated my cousin Scott was sick and thus, Thanksgiving would be pushed a day later to Friday. No big deal, right? Wrong. What was I going to do? OMG, spend it alone? WTF?! Fuccckkkkkk. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I just wasn’t prepared for this shit. Holiday or not, I’m weary. Okay, that’s actually not the right word, so here’s the right sentence: I’m sick of being fucking alone. Oh I know I know – you just ended your toxic relationship a little less than five months ago, Lisa! You need time! Relax! Everything will be fine! You’ll meet the right one eventually. You’re so impatient – jeez! Enjoy your alone time! Relish in it! Enjoy being with YOU!

Eye roll.

Instead of taking a Xanax (or two) and watching Lady Dynamite on Netflix (again) and feeling sorry for myself (some more) and eating every Ritter Sport I had in my kitchen (seven of them, ranging in flavors from “Butter Biscuit” to “Caramel Mousse”), I decided to go on a very long hike. Get out of myself, get in nature, get some endorphins going – you feelin’ me?

Thanksgiving 2017 was an unusually clear day in L.A. Smog typically hides the city and views of the ocean, but on this day, the City of Angels was clear, as in crystal. Climbing, I turned back to look at her a couple of times, this crazy sprawling metropolis that I just can’t seem to quit. The doing so made me wobbly; I nearly fell. Regaining my balance, I realized this was my lesson: to stop looking back. Up until this point, I hadn’t really understood the extent to which I’d been doing it. Sure, I’d though about him (and that him and that other him) almost every day. And well, gee, sure, I’d been thinking about every mistake I’d ever made a lot lately, every different turn this way or that I could’ve taken, but didn’t. And well, yeah, I’d been playing out different scenarios in my head over and over (and over and…) until I was spinning like an out of control dreidel under a Christmas tree, confused on where I belonged.*

The rear view. It isn’t serving me anymore. I’m here – and all those mistakes, all those choices, all those dumb motherfuckers I wasted so much of my precious energy and time on, are but theoretical objects that, although I’ve been straining to see them, I hardly can anymore. The looking back is what has been hurting me.

My forced time alone on Thanksgiving was a gift. Up the canyon I kept climbing. When I got to the top, I cried and laughed at the same time.** Los Angeles was spread out like a vision before me and I could see every little thing so clearly – the ocean, the endless possibilities, the happy life I’ve been afraid to lead, the people I’ve yet to meet…and the bottom from where I started. It was all beautiful.

@littlebrownbutterfly

*Christmas or Hanukkah, which do you celebrate? I mean goddamn, LIsa, figure it out already.

** “Laughing and crying, you know it’s the same release.” – Joni Mitchell

Posted in: dating, existential crisis, hope, lessons, life,, love

Sticks, stones, words as weapons – and other thoughts on toxic relationships.

August 27, 2017 5:42 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅


I had to let go. Let go of the people that weren’t good for me anymore. What’s that word again? Toxic? Yeah, that’s the word, I guess. Peeps I thought I’d always know, would always and forever be in my life and I, in theirs. LOL. Guess again. We all know a few – the ones who use words as weapons and when things end, they end not with a whimper, but with a big, loud, alarming bang. If you’re like me, you question yourself and then doubt yourself: How did this happen? Why did this person think they could treat me this way? Why did I allow this? And then my favorite (and the best for really getting to the nitty-gritty of the situation): what in me attracted this behavior from them?
…

The final interaction I had with Stephanie* ended with her hanging up the phone on me, mid-conversation and subsequently sending a shitty long-winded text that ended with: “You deal with your own life. Figure it the fuck out.” So sweet and so kind! The kind of friend for which we each so desperately long. Rainbows and moonbeams all the way. The fin finale with Person Number Two ended with him saying the ever-loving words “fucking hate you” and then calling me a “sick fuck”. Weeeee! It was a like a toxic waste wonderland up in there, ya’ll!

Needless to say, I responded not, to either. When I’m done, I’m DONE.

The point here isn’t the verbiage chosen or why things ended the way they did. I’m certain (like, 200% certain) they each would tell you a very different version of our time together and the many many many issues, resentments and complaints they had with me. I’m no angel, ok?

But fuck them. This is my blog.

Anyhoo, after thinking about these endings to death (my mother says I overanalyze everything) and going through the stages of grief that accompanies loss, what I realize now is that we were just in vastly different places in our lives – or as Abraham Hicks would say – vibrationally, we just weren’t lining up. Ahem. I like to think there are some souls with whom our time runs its course and the lessons needed to be learned from each other, were. Even though things ended badly, I want each of these people to be happy, joyous and free. I really do. There comes a time when you have to let go. Let go of people. Let go of ideas and constructs that no longer serve you. Let go of love. Let go of friendships. Yada. And you know what? It’s ok – you gotta let go or be dragged. As hard as it is cut the cord, it’s way easier than being dragged around by somebody else’s bullshit, ya know?
Yeah. You do know.

What I’ve realized is The People Who Teach Us Lessons become beautiful when looked back on through a lens of love, a tiny dose of nostalgia, and a realization that forward is the only way to travel. Eventually, they will find their own, I will find mine, you will find yours. Water seeks it’s own level, so I’m told. Dylan** said it best and so, in summation, I will end with his infinite wisdom with regard to letting go and moving on to things better and brighter: “Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed. I’m not the one you want, babe. I’m not the one you need.”

Thanks for reading. I hope this helps someone. It helped me just writing it for you.

*Not her real name.

**As in Bob. As in Robert Zimmerman. As in ‘Another Side of Bob Dylan’. Give it a listen sometime why don’t ya.

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: hope, lessons, life,, love

Beginning again.

September 18, 2016 6:25 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

begin

I hadn’t see him in years. Like, I don’t know how many, but def more than five. As an Aquarius (me) and a Leo (him) are wont to do, we dove right in.

What happened to that girlfriend you used to have? The one from New York with the big tits who wore glasses that never liked me? (They broke up.) Are you still Mr. Fancy Pants in the ad agency world?
(He is.)

And then he: what’s up with your blog? You still writing it? (Er, um, uhhhhhh…)

No, I haven’t in about a year actually, Richard*. I got involved with someone, and while that was going to absolute complete shit, I quit writing. Yano, I was fucked up and consumed with being all fucked up all of the time. (Mostly true, except for the incipiency of the relationship which is always so very very magical, what with meeting their “representative” and all.)

Well you should start it again – I mean, you’re a writer, Lisa.

I am?

Sigh. I guess I am kinda. (Yawn.)

So, here we are; fresh new installments of The Trouble With Lisa comin’ at ya. Yay? Does anybody even read this? What should I write about? What mind-blowing topics ought I proceed to explore? Do I dare disturb the universe?** Do I dare eat a peach?**

Love?

Loss?

New beginnings? Yes, let’s begin again with that, shall we?

See you soon, lovers. And thanks for reading – if anyone is reading – whoever you are.

*not his real name, but close

**with apologies to both T.S. Eliot and J. Alfred Prufrock

Posted in: dating, hope, lessons, life,, love

Fall.

September 9, 2015 3:30 pm ⋅

As if it was something
Nothing appeared out of nowhere

Stopping by
Saying hello

Another beginning left behind
Leaving you barely enough time
To turn back around

And say goodbye.

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: lessons, life,

Trust issues, why she’s so much fatter than her online profile portrays + Facebook blah blah.

September 2, 2015 2:17 pm ⋅

ask

Erin: We’re back again to usher in September with another round of questions. You ready to do this, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes.
Erin: Onward!

Q. I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 months today. She has cheated on me in the past, as well as lied to me on a few occasions. I’ve tried to forgive her and move on but my mind was never at ease with her after her acts. The final straw was her asking me how I’d feel if she got a male roommate (she has one female one already). I told her I wasn’t too comfy with the idea, but I didn’t speak too much on it because I really didn’t think it would become a reality. A few days after she asked me how I felt, I called her to hear that her and the other roommate chose the guy to move in. My insecurities about her loyalty, and her past actions has me feeling like I can’t trust her with a male roommate (and I’m seeing now, that in actuality, I don’t trust her at all). She says I’m over-reacting, and to be honest I don’t know if I am. What do you think? Did I make a mistake in breaking up with her?

Erin: My insecurity about you involves a grown man using the word “comfy.”

Lisa: A cheater. A liar. Gross me out the door. I don’t blame you, brah. I’ve been cheated on once (that I actually know of) and I broke up with that motherfucker real fast – and I’ve NEVER looked back.

Erin: Walk away. Or run. Regardless of whether or not she is now miraculously trustworthy or whether or not you overreacted, there’s no trust left in this relationship. You did the right thing. Move on, and next time don’t stick around after the first betrayal.

Lisa: I totally agree, Erin. Trust your instincts, always.

Erin: Lisa, his instinct was to stay with her after she repeatedly cheated. So, dude, maybe don’t always trust your instincts.

Lisa: Yeah, ok, right, whatever, Erin. This chick is a piece of garbage. Contrary to what jerks like her think, it’s better, easier, and kinder to be honest. Leave her in the dust and don’t you dare give her another moment of your precious time.

Erin: And, P.S. Don’t make the next girlfriend pay the price for what this last one did. Go get some therapy and work your shit out.

Q. I am using a few dating apps and have been for awhile. I’m a 43 year old guy, decent looking, funny, smart-ish. The one thing that I have noticed is that almost everyone I have met lies about their weight. Now clearly in my profile I state I am not an adonis, I have “dad bod”, but I also put in my profile a full body shot and I make sure all my pics are taken within a year. My question is why do people (men and women) lie? I mean you’re eventually going to meet this person and find out the truth anyway. So why lie?

This is driving me crazy because I meet these women who tell me everyone they meet lies to them. Then I meet these women only to find out they are WAY bigger than about average or the pictures they posted are 15 years old.

What the heck is going on here? I mean everyone complains about people lying to them but, they are no better themselves. How do I weed thru all the red flags?

Lisa: K. I love that you said “dad bod.” Also, you are right in my perfect age range and sound great, so maybe you could be my new boyfriend.

Erin: OMG, I was just thinking when I read this, “I bet Lisa would like this guy”.

Lisa: Having been on these bullshit dating apps/sites recently myself (I’m not now, I couldn’t take it anymore), I think people lie because it’s all fantasy. It’s metaperception (Google it) in full fucking swing.

Erin: I have never dated via apps, but I find that anything on the internet has high potential for being inaccurate. I would probably google people before I met them. You know, to get a little recon via Facebook or whatever. Now, if you want to meet our lovely Lisa, I am one hell of a pimp.

Lisa: Thanks for the pimp love, Erin. I used to link my Instagram and Twitter accounts, so dudes could see more recent photos of me in my everyday life. And if they didn’t do the same, it was, “Next”!

Q. Ok, I know. I analyze little things too much but, was looking for some answers anyways. The ex and I broke up 4 months ago. He was cheating and left me for the other woman. Anyways, after it happened, I blocked him and his new GF on Facebook, and deleted every single one of his buddies. Today, I get a request from one of his friends that I didn’t really know that well. I haven’t accepted or declined. Why would this guy would add me? I haven’t seen or heard from him in a little over 4 months. Like I said, I didn’t know him that well and we only hung out a couple times.

Erin: You are totally overthinking this one. I cannot recall how many times I have added people, with the click of one button, who have popped up in the “people you may know” scroll. He might want to have sex with you, that’s for sure a possibility, because guys tend to be sort of one-tracked with females, but you are obsessing about something extremely unimportant. Please go get some therapy and like I said to the guy in the first question, don’t make the dude in your next relationship pay the price for the last one.

Lisa: I don’t use Facebook and I’m always so surprised when I hear stories like this. It’s so middle school, 2005. My social media snobbery aside, I personally think he added you because he has a crush on you.

Erin: OMG, Lisa, that is so middle school, “maybe he has a crush on you…..” Haha.

Lisa: LULZ.

…

My social media snobbery aside (whatever that means) we’ve made it through another round of questions. Basically, avoid all the liars. Okay? Easy enough. If you have a question that desperately needs answering, use the form on the top right of Erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. As always, your anonymity is golden, like way more golden than it would be on Ashley Madison or whatever. xoxo

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, love

Love and Louboutins.

August 10, 2015 9:07 pm ⋅

ll

There they were, in an almost completely empty restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard. The soup was cold. The waiter circled. Although it became clear to her, after two very dirty martinis and a lot of looking into his vacant hazel eyes, she was still in disagreement with her self. Maybe he was enough. Maybe his just alright sense of humor would make the fact that he was 5’ 5”, her height in flip flops, okay. Maybe she was just becoming too particular and that was somehow fucking everything up… because really, there-is-no-one-perfect-person-we-all-have-some-sort-of-flaw-and-anyway-Lisa-who-cares-if-you-never-get-to-wear-Louboutins-again.

Maybe you just get what you get these days. Maybe you should stop trying so hard. Maybe you already had it once and that’s all you get in this lifetime. Maybe all the reasons you want it aren’t valid and that’s what is stopping it from appearing. Blah blah blah yada yada yada.

Or…

Maybe you should listen to that voice within you that you know is right (let’s call it, oh you know, intuition) and not a bunch of bullshit broken record chatter (see above).

Therefore, maybe you end all of this lame-ass-cold-soup dating, go get yourself a brand new pair of sky high heels, KNOW he’s on his way and that whoever he turns out to be, he’s gonna be a badass like you – and is gonna totes diggity dig those brand new 150 mm Louboutins.

Just sayin’.

@littlebrownbutterfly

Lotsa kisses and thanks to my pals Erin for the editing help and to Stephanie for the day of shopping – and the pic ;o)

Posted in: dating, hope, love

Eating out w an ex, the complaining friend and blow jobs + women who won’t give ’em.

July 21, 2015 3:01 am ⋅

aeal

Erin: Lisa, how are you, have you missed me, what’s up?

Lisa: Erin, I’ve missed you terribly and although they say it never rains in Southern California, it’s totally raining in L.A. right now. How’s New York?

Erin: Hot. Hot. Hot. And sweaty. Are you ready, are you prepared to enlighten/ruin people?

Lisa: I was born ready, bitch.

Q.Eating out with ex-boyfriend
Do you think it is a normal for a girl to have a lunch with her ex-boyfriend three times a week when she’s already married? Do you still have contact with your EX? and why?

Lisa: Ummmmm….No. I think it’s totally fucked up actually. I do have limited contact with a select few of my exes. Why? Because a few of them are good guys and I like them, BUT I certainly don’t see them for lunch and shit three times a week. This is very suspicious and I don’t like it at all.

Erin: I have contact with all of my exes who will still speak to me. I tend to leave still wanting a friendship. However, for a variety of reasons, sometimes because they hate me (JK, not really JK) that is not always possible. I do not think it is normal to have lunch with ANYONE three times a week, let alone an ex. Your girlfriend is either: A, using lunch with the ex as a beard for something else. B, having a sordid affair, at least in her mind. Or, C, is extremely co-dependent and has a poor sense of boundaries. Totally normal to be friendly and/or friends with an ex. Totally not normal to be that involved with an ex. Huge Red Flag.

Lisa: Agreed.

Q.Friend’s ALWAYS complaining!
I have a friend with whom I hang out with quite a lot. I enjoy it but she’s always complaining! From her work, friends to family. Its been like this for two years now- and speaking to her is beginning to depress and annoy me now. I really don’t know how to tell her.

Lisa: How do you enjoy hanging out with someone who complains all the time? Being around that kind of energy is totally exhausting. I had a friend who used to complain too and when she started complaining I would get off the phone with her or change the subject as quickly as I could. Or, I would suggest she make a list of all the things she is grateful for in her life.

Erin: We all know someone like this. I have probably been her at times. The frustrating part is that people like this generally do not want to hear our suggestions or advice or the truth. So, at this point in my life, I would probably pull a fade. Sorry!

Lisa: Yeah, most negative people just want to stay in the problem, which sucks. Your last resort might be to tell her you can’t listen to her whining or complaining anymore. But like Erin, I would probably just pull the fade.

Erin: As a parting gift, maybe you could direct her to a good therapist. The operative word being good.

Q.Hi, I’m 36 years old and my bf is 34. Our sex life is great, except for one thing. He wants me to go downtown. And I hate it, like horrible, gag-reflex, hate it. I have always been like this and I don’t know how to change it. To be fair, I don’t expect him to go downtown either, but it seems to come up in a passive aggressive way from him, even though he says he understands. Do you think it’s unreasonable? I just don’t think I’m the girl for that job, but I love him and see a future together. Do you think he is really ok with it?

Erin: Whenever I hear someone say “go downtown,” all that comes to mind is the euphemism for buying drugs. Putting that thought aside, I don’t trust anyone, male or female, who says they don’t like to do that job.

Lisa: EVERY GUY WANTS A BLOW JOB, ALL THE TIME. I’ll bet you a dollar if I asked your boyfriend, he would NOT concur that your sex life is great.

Erin: All this talk of downtown, reminds me of that song…

Erin: I don’t understand your problem. But, I am aware that there are people, who like you, won’t go downtown. I always wonder, Gay? Maybe you don’t like dick. It seems like it would be a deal breaker for most humans. I think that oral sex is a integral part of a healthy sex life and I think that a good lover should enjoy giving and receiving the job.

Lisa: TBH, I quite enjoy the job and I don’t get your issue.

Erin: Lisa, maybe she needs a sex therapist. I don’t know any, but I’m sure you can google that shit.

Lisa: Oy vey, I don’t know about the whole sex therapist thing, but I DO know that your boyfriend is probably not cool with this AT ALL.

Erin: Which is why he’s being passive aggressive… which is about as attractive as not going downtown.

And on that note, If you have a question for us about love, sex, friendship, oysters, lead pencils, kundalini yoga, or anything at all, use the box on the top right of Erin’s page. As always, your anonymity is golden. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. xox

©littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: dating, lessons, life,, love

The Weight (Going Back To Cali).

March 24, 2015 7:57 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

FullSizeRender

So, I’m heading back to California, back to the city I love, the City of Angels. In this tiny tornado of packing, clearing, donating and cleaning, I’m realizing that I have, um, a LOT of books. Books that I’ve read, books that I keep meaning to read, books that I love, books that I’ve schlepped everywhere – from town to town, house to house, state to state. But books, like so many other things in life, can get, um, you know, heavy. Weighty. Cumbersome. In an attempt to achieve that blessed state called The Lightness of Being (Kundera** would call it something else, butwhatthefuckdoesheknow, anyway?) some of that weight has to go and thus, I gotta get rid of many of my beloved books. There’s this weirdo thing I do with books: I hide stuff in them. Sundry things like flowers, pictures, notes – blah blah blah, you get the idea. It’s as though if I put things within the pages of a book, there they will stay safe and serve as prospective reminders of something, someplace, sometime, someone. Tucked away. Enveloped in words. Hidden from any external events that might cause harm. (You get the idea, right?)

In this latest round of The Great Book Cleanout, I found the following: a receipt from the Bodhi Tree, one of the best and now (sadly) defunct bookshops in Los Angeles; a small, handmade paper kite; a photo of my first great love, Jeff Futernick as a child of five or six, his curious brown eyes beaming; and lastly, a photo of my grandmother a la the 1980’s. I don’t really recall placing these particular whatnots within these different books (Gore Vidal’s “United States: Essays 1952-1992”? Really?) but finding them again made me happy.

So, yano, anyway:

The books are heavy and it’s def time to be rid of them, but what was put inside are reminders of who I was, who I’ve become – and the gentle acknowledgement that the weight of what we really love is light – and it’s okay to let the things that hold us, go.

**As in Milan. As in “The Unbearable Lightness of Being”. Read a goddamn book once in awhile, kk?

@littlebrownbutterfly

Posted in: hope

There are.

February 23, 2015 10:28 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

TTWL!

 

ttwl

@littlebrownbutterfly

 

Posted in: hope

Hobbies, “friends” and emotional affairs.

February 5, 2015 11:20 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
ask
Erin: Lisa, how the hell are you?
 
Lisa: I’m very sleepy today, so I will groggily answer these questions. But, I’m excited to be back. 
 
Erin: Well, sometimes the best thoughts come to brains that are only half-awake…or something. Let’s do this. 
Q.
How important are common interests / hobbies and how many do you both have to enjoy to make a relationship work?
 
I’ve never gone out with a man for longer than 4 months and it’s usually broken up because he decided that we didn’t have enough in common to make things more serious.
 
For me as long as we have a few hobbies in common that we both enjoy like the outdoors or travel that is enough for me. I’m not expecting a guy to want to do everything that I do for instance dancing, and in fact I like meeting people with different hobbies as it gives me the opportunity to learn about something new.

I’m currently single and starting to try some new adventurous activities as I want to get fitter but also thought it might make me more appealing like cycling, kayaking, hiking. 

Just wondered what your thoughts were.
Lisa: I don’t think common interests have very much to do with being compatible with another person. Think about it: You probably have a lot of friends who like sewing or some shit, but you don’t, and you’re still friends with that person because you like them, they make you feel good, and you respect each other’s passions. To me, compatibility is the key, not hobbies. 
 
Erin: I mostly agree with you, Lisa. The most important aspects of compatibility are shared values and goals. I’m just wondering if the issue of shared hobbies is really what is ending your relationships. 
 
Lisa: Keep doing what you want to do to make yourself happy. And remember, it always happens when you ain’t looking. 
 
Erin: Lastly, I will say that these guys sound really co-dependant, which makes me thing the hobbies thing is a beard for something else. In general, you shouldn’t treat your boyfriend like your best friend. He doesn’t need to do everything with you, nor does he need to process all of your stuff with you. Do that with your girlfriends. You both should be enjoying most of your hobbies with your friends. It’s my opinion that people who have some level of independence within their relationships are the people who have the longest lasting/healthiest relationships. My money is on there being something else that’s stopping your relationships from moving forward.
Q.
Hey,
So I’m head over heals in love with my best friend. We have known each other for just about 4 years. We’ve been through hell and back between each of us having jealous ex g/f’s and b/f’s, rumors at work (we used to work together), friends trying to sabotage our friendship…it’s been tough but we always seem to bounce back. She’s known for about 2 years now my feelings and with in the past few months it’s been getting to the point where I just can’t wait to talk to her or see her or whatever. It came to a head about 2 months ago when I was a date at her friends wedding and we made out on the dance floor. Halfway thru the night, I can sense something was wrong and she admitted that she was scared “this” wouldn’t turn out the way I had always hoped and that she would lose me again if it didn’t work out. I told her we’ve weathered too many storms for me to turn back now and we kissed a bit after that but for the most part it was done for that night. Since then we try and hang out when we can but lately things have been getting weird. Where we used to talk 3 or 4 times a day, we can just barely get to talk to each other twice all week. Where she used to return my txts or calls within minutes, it will take her a day or so. She has been mentioning “friends” which leads me to believe she is dating someone and doesn’t want to hurt me by telling me. But at the same time, it does hurt that she’s not open with me about that. I want to confront her but I’m worried I might come off as jealous. I want to make plans with her valentines day and send her flowers but I don’t want to knowing that there’s someone else. What should I do?
Erin: On a really picky side note, if you write her a love letter, make sure you don’t change tense, mid-sentence. I know, I’m an asshole. 
 
Lisa: Way to be a bitch about grammar, Erin. 
 
Erin: Move on. The biggest problem I see most single people face is that they do not see what is plainly in front of them. If she is playing some game, then fuck her. If she is not playing a game, then she is showing and telling you that she is not interested. Trust me, these types of unrequited love situations/friendships are only appealing because they are unrequited. 
 
Lisa: YOU’RE IN THE FREIND ZONE, DUDE. If you express how you feel, and she’s not taking the bait, and instead acting all weirdo-like, let it go. No Valentine’s Day plans, no flowers. If she wanted to be with you, she would. It really is that simple. 
Q.
This is probably the 6th or 7th time i have been at this stage with my husband. We met at work and were friends before we dated, after i split with my ex. He was my first ‘one night stand’ which turned out not to be as we went out with each other after and then got married. Basically, he is a lovely bloke, very clever, well presented, kind – all the things you could want on paper.
But something is wrong and I spend alot of my time unhappy. When we got together, I loved the fact that he was driven and such a sweet person but I wonder if it’s just that although he is a good man, he’s just not right for me. I have never felt like i wanted to rip his clothes off and never initiate sex. We have sex but it is not emotional for me. I feel unconnected somehow. I have left numerous times in the past – last time was last year – because of the way i feel. I haven’t been able to put my finger on whats wrong and I look at my life and think ‘what have i got to complain about – whats wrong with me?’ So here I am again, in a spot where I feel very little.
We have a beautiful little girl but our relationship seems very platonic in my eyes. Should i shut up and get on with it? I’m terrified I am just postponing the inevitable. Am i just unrealistic about what a relationship should be? I know i am in danger area – i have had an emotional affair in the past and i am embarking on one currently. I don’t want to become the person i see evolving.
 
Lisa: Emotional affairs are just as bad as real affairs. I beg of you to cease and desist this vile behavior immediately. How would you feel if your husband was doing this to you? If you don’t want to be with him, let him go, it’s so much kinder. 
 
Erin: See, this is why people should not get back together after they’ve broken up. It always ends the same way. I have never broken up with my husband, which is probably why he is my husband and not another ex-boyfriend. You sound like you might need some therapy, if for no other reason than to get clear about what the problem is. The problem might be your marriage, but the problem may also just be you. Because you have a child, it is worth pursuing some sort of counseling. But, if you are unwilling to do that, then you should absolutely let him go and make the process as painless as possible for all parties.
And that’s all we wrote….If you have a question for us about love, sex, friendship, salt water taffy, otters, or anything at all, use the box on the top right of Erin’s page. All questions will be answered (eventually) and with (some) care. xoxo
©littlebrownbutterfly
Posted in: dating, love